Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
