so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
