What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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