Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
