The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
