I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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