i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
