I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
