Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
