he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
