My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
