I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
