The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
