I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
