im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
