My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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