I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
