I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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