I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
