Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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