I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
