I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
