I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I will pee on everything he values.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
