Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
