Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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