I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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