i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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