My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
do herpes really smell.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
