Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
