my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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