you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
