mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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