idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Send help, water and tortillas.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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