My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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