When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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