I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
