we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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