Taylor Swift is so right about you.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I need water and some morals
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
