Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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