Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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