dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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