Your dad touched me again.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
