Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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