yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
