I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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