everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
