I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
