Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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