i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
