I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
