He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
