i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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