literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
