Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
