I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
